On my bedroom wall I have two large posters, one a definition of love and the other of friendship. Love kept falling off the wall (no less than three times, the irony) so after months of procrastinating I did some dodgy DIY with a hot glue gun and nailed it to the kitchen wall instead. So far it has stuck and I remain optimistic.
But this isn’t about questionable DIY. Or procrastination, for that matter. Both of which I could write about at length, if I could only get around to it.
No, I want to talk about the relationship between friendship and love. So buckle up and expect some hard hitting cliches...
Did you know the Greek have seven different words for love? One for each kind, ranging from romantic to platonic to self love, passionate love and even a love for god. Why is it then that so many of us have such a narrow view of what it is and where we can find it?
A couple of years back I read Dolly Alderton’s memoir Everything I Know About Love, expecting it to be a humorous tonic for my disastrous and somewhat disappointing love life. It was, but it was also much more than that. The way the book ended really struck me, while the chapters detailed the chaotic roller coaster of the author’s romantic encounters, the love that really mattered and stayed with her throughout her twenties was the incredible friendships she shared.
If this memoir taught me anything, it was that we don’t give friendship enough credit. In a western society where romantic love trumps all, we expect our partner to be everything. Our best friend, our confidant, our therapist, our soulmate. But that’s an impossible expectation on one person, and the whole reason we need a range of relationships in life and in love. Romantic love, while significant, is just one piece in the puzzle. To view it in isolation, is to miss the point entirely.
Much like Dolly, the love I have for my friends is what carries me through life. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t feel immense gratitude for the special friendships that have made me, me. Especially the ones in Wellington who are my family away from home.
When it comes to friends, there are several different types you’ll have throughout your life, each important in their own way. There are the friends you’ll go out and party with, always reliable for a good time. The ones you’ll meet at work and look forward to seeing every Monday. The ones you don’t see all the time, but when you do you pick up right where you left off. The ones from the past, who will always have a special place due to the history you share. The unlikely ones, which are sometimes the most fun. Then there are the ones you’ll meet, at various points, and you’ll just know they’re going to be in your life for a long, long time.
These are the friends you’ll call crying in the middle of the night when it feels like everything is falling apart, and they’ll be there and they’ll listen. They’ll be right by your side for the high moments too, always ready to crack the bubbles. They’ll know you better than you know yourself, and regularly remind you of that. They’ll be your biggest supporters and you’ll protect each other fiercely. The best bit is, these friends can fall into any of the above categories. It’s not so much about how or when you meet them, it’s about everything that happens after that point, because your life will never be the same.
But like any love, nothing is promised and friendship is no different. However, just because a friendship is cut short, that doesn’t mean it wasn’t meant to be or that it couldn’t have a profound impact on your life. People will come and go in seasons sometimes, only meant to be for a short while.
Anyone who has been through a friendship breakup will understand the unique kind of pain and grieving that comes with that. Often it’s slower, and more gradual. The feelings and emotions creep up on you as you find yourself really missing that person in certain moments or situations. The two of you could never have seen it coming, but when it does you can do nothing but lean into the mutual acceptance of it.
Relationships are rarely linear, and will often take some wild and unexpected paths, but ultimately they are cyclic. We all start out as strangers, and some of us wind up back as strangers too, it’s what we do with that time in the middle that counts. Whether it’s 3 months or 30 years.
I’ll leave you with this. Ultimately, we are the sum of our experiences and the people we choose to spend our time with, so choose wisely and always love hard. It’s never not worth it.
Eva x
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